Sunday Morning

Another Sunday morning in Afghanistan. One of very few left here (at least this time around). As is typical, I will spend much of the morning figuring out what to talk about tonight in Chapel. I am perhaps one of today's leading procrastinators. Funny, being married to one of the era's great planners. Sometimes hard to believe that she has endured 18+ years of spontaneity and general chaos.

It is a beautiful morning here in Kowst Province and the paratroopers of Denali-land are well underway with plans to return home. Hard not to start counting days at this point - though it is not particularly helpful to do that. We are so anxious to reunite with our families . . . and our Salmon . . . and our Moose's Tooth Pizza. But it will come - and a watched deployment doesn't end any quicker than a watched pot boils.

A couple things are on my mind this morning - and some relative to chapel service tonight. Firstly, I am positive that God has been in this whole thing with us. I do not mean that in any sort of political sense. I mean that, as a Sovereign God (as my Chaplain Assistant - the good Calvinist, always reminds me that God is), He thoroughly controls the events of our world. That raises tons of questions, I understand that - and have no intention of addressing all of them here - nor do I suggest that I even have the capacity to address all of them. But if that is true - then ALL the events of our lives have the potential to both glorify God and serve our good (at least as God envisions our good).

John Piper, in his book Desiring God - which I heartily recommend - would tell you that those two ends are NOT (as so many fear) mutually exclusive. God's glory -and our good - work together, are - in fact, mutually supportive. All that to say, you and I may very Biblically and very truly say "it was not (the Army) who sent us here, but God." I know that sounds like an incredibly bold, even audacious claim - but it is in keeping with the Biblical record of God's working in the world.

What purposes then does He intend? Not sure that will just be crystal clear all of the time - but I think we will come to identify much of it. I think too, that the man and woman who set out from the place of faith - will more readily see it. Some will say that is something like "self-fulfilling prophecy" or "you see what you want to see." I think it goes much deeper than that. You can't read any of the Scripture narratives and fail to see that God is an Author. He writes the stories of lives. Not only for those who want His Authorship - but for the world. Recognition of that - submission to it - and ultimately gratitude for it - that is the what is called for - especially in light of the incredible end to which God has gone to call us out of our fallen story and into His glorious one.

Whatever He intends, I AM SURE that it does not include the disintegration of our marriages. And that is, for far too many, a byproduct of a year-long separation. Incredibly, I know that some of you are wrapping up your third, fourth, even fifth deployment. I am amazed by your resilience - but it takes a toll doesn't it?

I want you to know that a group called Family Life will be hosting a Marriage Conference @ the Anchorage Marriott Downtown on the 26th, 27th, and 28th of March. It is called "A Weekend to Remember" and it is truly a phenomenal event! Really, it is maybe the best thing going for marriages. Whether yours is thriving or barely surviving - this will be a worthwhile experience. It is not a military deal - though our offerings are usually good, these folks have been holding conferences for years - all over the world. More than one million couples have attended a "A Weekend to Remember."

If you think you might be interested - go to www.familylife.com and check out more about their conferences. I think it is truly Providential that this conference will be in Anchorage (which only happens once every year) right when we are getting home. Please spread the word about the event - and get registered as quick as you can. Seats sell out every year - all 650 of them - so don't delay. Also - I suggest that you plan to stay at the Hotel - or a nearby hotel for the whole event. It starts Friday night and ends Sunday Morning - plenty of time for just you and your spouse - but you need to really get away to maximize the experience. It will be fun, the speakers are great, and it is an absolutely NO pressure kind of deal - so don't get worried and worked up about it - just go.

The "Weekend to Remember" tickets will be about $138 bucks per couple (that is with the military discount) and the hotel price @ the Marriott is something like $99 per night - for conference attendees. So - you are looking at about $350 bucks all total (before meals). Not so much when you are talking about an investment in your marriage.

For those of you outside of Alaska - check out the conference page on www.familylife.com anyway - they hold events all over the place - and many more of them in the lower 48.

Can't wait to get home and see you all - and hope to see you at the conference!

grace and peace to you in Christ - the Author and Finisher of our faith,

ch matthew

Shepherd's Table (January Frozen Spur/Squadron Newsletter)

SHEPHERD’S STABLE

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is

the way of death. – Proverbs 14:12

There are different kinds of deaths. No one would argue that, I don‟t suppose. There is, of course, a physical kind of death and we have dealt enough with that this year. Some we expect. Combat deaths we expect. We hate them, but we expect them sometimes. A lot of soldiers have had to go home to grieve the death of a mom, or a dad, or a grandparent; some of those are expected too, and some are not.

It is a point of very personal sadness for me to witness the death of a relationship. Obviously, as a chaplain – marriage counseling is a constant. I love this aspect of my work. Not in the same sense that I love fly-fishing, which is always enjoyable too – whether the results are good or not. I love working with couples because I know so well the difficulty of military marriages, for that matter marriage in general. God knows how well I know this – having come so very close to losing my own. But marriage counseling is not always a joy, at least not like fly-fishing. Sometimes it is grievous, sometimes it is heart wrenching, but always and sincerely an honor and a work that I believe is deeply important. As I have observed through the years, the natural tendency in a relationship, the natural flow of it (at least in a marriage relationship) is toward isolation and not greater oneness. That is especially true in the context of a military marriage, where soldiers are leaving home with such regularity, and for so long. Not that there are not some great things that come out of deployments too. Certainly, a lot of couples grow fonder of one another. I suppose that if "familiarity breeds contempt,‟ then the converse must be likewise true. But that does not always translate into a stronger relationship at redeployment. No, in fact, because the quality of a relationship is so often based on time spent together, on memories built, it is rare for a relationship to grow closer during a deployment. Fondness then, does not necessarily transfer to oneness – and oneness really is the goal.

Fondness is temporal; think of the early days of your marriage for instance. The first two or three months are great, and then comes the revelation that you will spend the rest of your life with this person! Honeymoons don't easily transfer into marital success any more than fondness easily becomes oneness. The briefings that soldiers and spouses receive are good and I am certainly a proponent of them, but really, only helpful if applied. The trouble some- times is, we hear so much of this stuff that it becomes background noise. I guess then, if I could urge us toward the embrace of one value or one point of intentionality with regard to reunion, one point that will move us from fondness to oneness, it would be to resist the urge to criticize. I have talked before, about how it is that wives need to know that they are unconditionally loved, chosen. For a woman, that is as fundamentally necessary as air. I have talked too about how it is that men need desperately to know that they are respected. There is this God-born need in men for respect; it is why we get angry on the highway, when someone cuts us off. It is the root cause of so much dissatisfaction in marriage with men – a sense that their wives do not really respect them.

Let me assure you that a critical spirit will communicate un-love to a wife and dis-respect to a husband, and it is an easy habit to fall into. Maybe not at first, while the newness of just being together again is ruling the day – but that will eventually wear off and there will be, for some of us, this natural inclination to become critical. I have dealt very personally with this, and I have found that much of the time my criticisms towards my wife and children have been very unnecessary – and the heaviness of my words has far exceeded the annoyance that called it forth.

There are, of course, several good ways to deal with this tendency. But I want to leave you with just this one thought – if the thing you are about to criticize will not matter a year from now, then it probably is not worth criticizing. The thing is, probably most of us are more critical than we ought to be – especially when we are not acting intentionally to quell that tendency.

I will tell you very directly that many marriages die over this very thing – criticism that communicates un-love and dis-respect. Sure, the criticisms swell into bigger issues and so, when the marriage is pronounced dead – the cause, they say, was infidelity, or abuse, or ne- glect, or something like that. Really though, the virus from which the symptoms derived – the thing that killed it, was criticism. If oneness is what you are after, rather than isolation, I would tell you that this is a very important part of it.

The most frustrating part of this whole "critical spirit‟ thing, is that it is the way most folks will go unless they very purposefully strive against it. Our nature is not to affirm, encourage, build- up. Seems like, in many ways we are self-destructive by design. Or perhaps it would be better to say that there is a sickness that has infected our design – and now, all of us are at war against our own tendencies. That is the more biblical way to say it. Nevertheless, there is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death. If you will war against that natural tendency in you, I believe that your marriage will be the stronger for it. “But encourage one another day after day, as long as you have the opportunity, so that none of you will be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”

~ Hebrews 3:13

Chaplain Matthew Atkins Squadron Chaplain